Jokes

1. Only in America

Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Do they have drive-up ATM machines with braille lettering.

Can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the white house. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)


2. How many American tourists does it take ...

How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifteen: Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local light bulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

3. An American was telling one of his favorite jokes

An American was telling one of his favorite jokes to a group of friends.

"Hell is a place where the cooks are British, the waiters are French, the policemen are Germans, and the trains are run by Italians."

The lone European in the group pondered all this for a second and responded, "I can't say about the police and the trains, but you're probably right about going out to eat. A restaurant in Hell would be one
where the cooks are British and the waiters are French - and the customers are all Americans."

4. Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?

Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?

Must have been a duck family

A duck family?

Didn't you say there was a quack in it!


5. National Army

During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his presiding chair, “Then we should have another article providing that no foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade.”

6. Cleaning out the aviary at the zoo...

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have dropped dead from old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not" he says as he puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals in the sack, into the lions' cage.
"Bloody hell" roars the lion..."Not finch and chimps again!"

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park.

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said "Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians".

"Indeed we are", replied the Canadian gentleman.

"I hope you won't mind my asking," Said the Brit, "but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?"

"Well," replied the Canadian gentleman, "one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known."
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, "And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?"

"Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto," the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, "And what are those six words?" The Canadian smiled and replied, "They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'

7. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist

8. Why is an astronaut like an American footballer?
They both like to make safe touch-downs.

9. Don't flush

An old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, “Will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."

"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

There was a very self-sufficient blind man, who did a lot of traveling alone. He was making his first trip to Texas and happened to be seated next to a Texan on the flight.

The Texan spent a lot of time telling him how everything is bigger and better in Texas. By the time the blind man had reached his destination, a large resort hotel, he was very excited about being in Texas.
The long trip had worn him out a little so he decided to stop at the bar for a small soda and a light snack before going up to his room to unpack these clothes.

When the waitress set down his drink, it was in a huge mug. "Wow, I had heard everything in Texas is bigger," he told her.
"That's right," she replied. The blind man ate his snack and finished his drink. After drinking such a large amount, it was only natural his next stop was going to have to be the restroom. He asked the waitress for directions. She told him to turn left at the register and it would be the second door on the right.

He reached the first door and continued down the hall. A few steps later he stumbled slightly and missed the second door altogether and ended up going through the 3rd door instead. Not realizing he had entered the swimming area he walked forward and immediately fell into the swimming pool.

Remembering everything he had heard about things being bigger in Texas, as soon as he had his head above water he started shouting "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

10. Pink and Yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, and then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"