Jokes

1.Things Not To Say during Childbirth

• Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
• Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
• I hope you’re ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
• If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
• That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
• When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
• You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
• This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
• Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
• Stop your swearing and just breathe.
• Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
• Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

2.A woman, a bus and a baby

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead; I'll hold your monkey for you."

3.A Baby Polar Bear

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I’m all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I’m all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grand mom...Grand pop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I’m f****** freezing!"

 4.Baby under Bath

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker. "What do you think you’re doing?" she demanded. "I’m just entertaining the baby," explained Tommy. "Where is the baby?" asked his Mum. "Under the bath"

5.Parenting


Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

• Your Clothes:
  1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
  2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
  3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
  

• Preparing for the Birth:
  1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
  2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
  3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
  

• The Layette:
  1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
  2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
  3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
  

• Worries:
  
  1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
  2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
  3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
  

• Pacifier:
  1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
  2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
  3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
  

• Diapering:
  1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
  2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
  3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
  

• Activities:
  1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, BabySwing, and Baby Story Hour.
  2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
  3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
  

• Going Out:
  1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
  2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
  3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
  

• At Home:
  1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
  2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
  3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
  

• Swallowing Coins:
  1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
  2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.
  3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

6.New Dad

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.
"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."
The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

7.Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.
His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"
He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

8.Baptism

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

9.Childbirth Q&As

• Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
  A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
  

• Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
  A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
  

• Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
  A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
  

• Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
  A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
  

• Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
  A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
  

• Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
  A. In your breasts.
  

• Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
  A. Yes, baby lips.
  

• Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
  A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
  

• Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
  A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
  

• Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
  A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
  

• Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
  

• Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
  A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

10.Baby Wrap

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"