Jokes

1. No Great Loss

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"


2. Hillary in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


3. Presidential Pigs

Air Force one comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm.

As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.

Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.

"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.

"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.

The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"


4. Make Someone Happy

Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

5. Ugliest Kid Ever

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.

Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

5. Oz

Bill Clinton, Newt Ginrich and Dan Quayle were riding in a car in the mid-west.. Along came a tornado and picked up the car and threw it 100s of miles away - As they were climbing out of the car and checking themselves for injuries, Newt Gingrich exclaimed that he thought they were in OZ - he said "I'm going to see the wizard and ask for a heart", Dan Quayle said "I'm going to see the wizard and ask for a brain".....Bill said "Where's Dorthy?"

6. The Clintons
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets re-elected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.

If Bill out-lives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary out-lives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!

It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.

The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's
salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff - and, this is all perfectly legal!

7. Brand New Kittens

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now.

8. Bill, Al, and Hillary all die in a plane crash...

Bill, Al, and Hillary all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching Heaven, they are escorted as important personages directly to see God. God looks at Bill and asks, "Bill, you've sinned a great deal. Why should I allow you to enter into Heaven?"
"Well, gee, God," replies Bill, "I'm the Pres-ee-dent of the United States. I've been trying to help people - you know give them universal health care and protect them from those mean-spirited Republicans who want to starve their children and throw sick old people out into the street."

God considers this a moment and says, "Oh, okay. Sit over here on my left." He turns to Al. "Al, why should I let you into Heaven?"

"Well, Lord, I'm the Vice President of the United States. I've tried to protect the environment from abuse by those mean-spirited Republicans and even wrote a very important book about it."

God thinks a moment and says, "All right. Sit over here on my right. Now, Hillary, tell me why I should let *you* into Heaven."

"Well, God, it's like this. I'm the First Lady, the Co-President and, by the way, I think you're sitting in my seat."

9. Bill Clinton & the Genie

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

10. Taking up a collection for Bill Clinton

A Marine Colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing is moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what seems to be the hold up?"

The officer replies, "The President is just so depressed that Hillary has moved to New York, and may leave him altogether that he just stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway, and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire.

He says his family absolutely hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers for that whole Monica and Paula thing.

So I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."