Jokes

1.Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit fu
Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?
Harry: No. Why?
Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.


2.The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. 'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, 'but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.' 'That's right.' 'Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.' 'Well, today is his birthday.'


3.A man asked his wife, 'What would you most like for your birthday?'She said, 'I'd love to be ten again.'On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her husband leaned over and asked, 'Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?'One eye opened and she groaned, 'Actually, honey, I meant dress size!'


4.'I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you.' 'A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?' 'That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!'


5.Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely! Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!


6.A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,'I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.'Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesn't get her anything.She says, 'Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?'He replies, 'You didn't use what I got you last year!'


7. Helen: Mum, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday? Mum: No, dear, what ? Helen: A nice teapot. Mum: But I've got a nice teapot. Helen: No you haven't. I've just dropped it.


8.Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, 'Use this all over yourself and think of me.' Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.


9.I've been shopping for my wife's birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didn't you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!


10.How old were you on your last birthday? Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday? Ten. Oh, I don't think that's possible. Oh, yes it is - I'm nine today.