Jokes

1.Lost in the Middle of Nowhere

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.
They got out and looked around at their surroundings.
Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."
The other two guys say, "Why?".
"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.
Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".
"Why" asked the other two.
"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".
Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.
"Whats that for?" asked the other two.
" In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

2.Ugliest Kid Ever

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

3.Regular Sex

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.
When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.
This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

4.The Magic Pills

There is this lady and she is struggling having a baby so the doctor brings out these pills and he tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.
So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"
Then she takes another and her husband says "Man this doesn't hurt."
So she takes, two more and has no problem having the baby and neither her nor her husband are in pain.
Two days later they come home with the baby and the milk man is dead on their doorstep

5.No Toilet Paper

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.
While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.
The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

6.The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

7.Mountain of Wishes

Three men visit the mountain of wishes where, if you jump off and say your wish you'll get it.
So the first guy jumps and says I wanna be famous, POOF he's famous.
The second guy jumps and says I wanna be rich, POOF he's a trillionaire.
Finally, the third guy goes trips over a stick and says shit.
As he hits the bottom he lands in a pile of shit.

8.The Head

There once was a boy called Matty who didnt have a body, he only had a head.
Then it came to his 18th birthday, so his dad who felt sorry for him took for a pint down the local pub, Matty was very excited about having his 1st drink of alcohol , so the proud father came in and placed Matty down on the bar and ordered 2 pints.
Then the father poured the beer into Mattys mouth, and once he'd finished a body had grown onto Mattys head, so he kept drinking and by the end of the night he was a normal man, with arms, legs, toes and fingers, but Matty kept on drinking.
The lesson you should learn from this is to always 'Quit while your a head'

9.Three Horny Dogs

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shepherd and a Chihuahua)
A poodle walked by and she says "I’ll let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that won’t work"
The German shepherd says "I love liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that won’t work"
The Chihuahua says "Liver alone cheese mine"

10.No Ears

A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "What’s the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on"

11.First Time Cussers

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"