Jokes

1.The Knob

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

2.Office Party

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

3.Grandma's Advice

My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the

store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless

jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all

good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of

grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda

bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me

that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman

with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..

"Makes your dick look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it!?

4.Rear Ender

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started.

5.Infrequently

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked .. "Is that one word or two words?

6.Jewish Math

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon!

All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece.'

Mother says 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents.

7.An Elephant's Victim Never Forgets

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass."

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant."

The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first."

8.Michael Jackson's New Baby

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

9.Three Whores

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."

10.Steve Irwin and the Crocodile

A crocodile was walking along the high street one day looking for some
shoes.
"Ah" he said spotting a nice pair "there's my nephew - and what a fine pair
of shoes he made."
So anyhow this crocodile goes into the shop and takes out his credit card
and pays for these shoes.
"Er excuse me" says the crocodile. "I have four feet and you have only sold
me two shoes."
"Well you will have to buy two pairs" the shopowner said.
"Well find me a pair just like these" said the crocodile.
So the shopowner went to the back of the shop and bought out another pair.
"WOW!" said the crocodile "my DAUGHTER - and what a lovely pair of shoes she
made. Yes I'll take them."
So the crocodile walked out of the shop dressed in a brand new set of shoes.
"I always knew my daughter would make something of herself" said the
crocodile.
"And CRICKEY your nephew too" said Steve Irwin.