Jokes

1.Golf Course Or...

Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".

2.Hole In One

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.
"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

3.The True Rules Of Golf - Part 1

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4.The True Rules Of Golf - Part 2

Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead
of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

5.The True Rules Of Golf

Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.

6.The True Rules Of Golf

There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

7.Scratch Golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

8.To The Golfer

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.
By its size I could not guess
The awesome strength it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.
My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called "par".
If I can hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it choses.
It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies
Or disappears before my eyes
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.
It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up
And take a drink to ease my sorrow.
But "The Ball" knows... I'll be back...tomorrow.

9.Top Ten Signs You’re Golfing Too Much

When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter
The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.
You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.
You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.
You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.
You’d like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?
Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.
You’re vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife
You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.
Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.

10.Cheating

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..."
Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president
of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"