Jokes

1.Is anybody in Room 27?

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

2.A woman goes into to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem.

A woman goes into to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She is unhealthy, pale, and obese. After tearfully explaining her predicament, the doc says, "hmm, yes, could you please lie on the floor under the window?" "Now over next to the door." "Now under the bookshelves." "Thank you."
He then occupies himself with writing. The patient, exasperated, interrupts him and asks if he has anything he can offer her. "No, he says, you need to see your internist about your poor health." "Then what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the floor?"
"Oh, I'm having a new white sofa delivered next week and was wondering where to put it."

3. I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague.

A famous psychiatrist told his wife: "I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague."
Wife: " But! you are the best psychiatrist, aren't you?"
Psychiatrist: " Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!"

4.Are you coming or going?

A patient is entering his psychiatrist's office when he sees an old friend. "Hey Harry." He asks, "Are you coming or going?"
Harry replies: "If I knew if I was coming or going, I would not be here."

5.Lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.
"And can we deduce anything from that?", asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.
"Yes," came a voice from the back, "if you've got worms, drink alcohol."

6.He will pay anything, no matter whether the doctor cures his wife or kills her

The poor Jewish tailor is beside himself with worry. His wife is very ill and he wants the best doctor in town to treat her. But the doctor is somewhat reluctant because the tailor is so poor and, it being unlikely that his wife could be saved, the tailor might not pay him should his wife die. However, the tailor promises he will pay anything, no matter whether the doctor cures his wife or kills her !
This is sufficient for the doctor and he agrees.
Unfortunately, the doctor cannot save her and the tailors wife dies.
However, when the doctors bill arrives the tailor refuses to pay it despite his promise. After much argument, the doctor and the tailor agree to let the Rabbi decide the case since they both are, after all, Jewish.
The doctor puts his case to the Rabbi that the tailor promised to pay "no matter whether the doctor cured his wife or killed her".
After much thought the Rabbi asks the doctor, "Did you cure her?" "No" admitted the doctor.
"And did you kill her?" "I certainly did not," expostulated the doctor.
"In that case," said the Rabbi, "the tailor has no case to answer because you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that the fee should be paid."

7.Asked how such a small country as Israel could beat such large neighbours

It's a few days after the end of the "6-Day War" between the Arabs and the Israelis, and the victorious Israeli Prime Minister, Mrs. Golda Meir, is giving a press conference.
Asked how such a small country as Israel could beat such large neighbours, she replies,
"Well, boys, it's like this. We called up all the doctors, and we called up all the dentists, and we called up all the lawyers, and we gave them all a gun each and put them in the front line.
"And when we yelled "CHARGE"....BOY ! ! Do they know how to Charge.

8.Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."



9.My child has swallowed a contraceptive

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

10.My sex drive is too high

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.
"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."