Jokes

1.Dangling Participles

(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.


2.UN Meeting

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... ...When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.
Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty...It's A lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"
"And in agreement with Chairman Arafat," said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..."


3.Hilarious Newspaper Headlines

• Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
• Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Miners Refuse to Work After Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks


4.Biblical Headlines Written by Today's Media

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed


5.Newspaper Errors

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.
When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.

Here just a few samples:

• IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
• It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
• There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
• From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."
• We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.
• In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.
• There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
• Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.
• In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
• Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.
• Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
• Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.
• In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
• Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
• In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
• The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.