Jokes

1.Guy's Favorite Retirement Joke

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'

2.Classic Funny Retirement Jokes

'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous
'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb.
'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.' R C Sherriff.
'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.' Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.
'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge.
'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.' Alexander Graham Bell.
'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.' William Shakespeare.
'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' - Malcolm Muggeridge
'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.' - Anon
'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' — Groucho Marx
'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's nowhere to retire to.' - Doctor Who

3.Seven Retirement one-liners to work into your leaving speech

Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

4.Three more helpful retirement jokes

The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

5.Albert's Leaving Presentation

Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

6.A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

7.At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
The flowers don't have enough water
There is still only one cheque in my chequebook
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
PS. I just remembered, I left the water running………..

8.Retirement Speech Jokes, Also suitable for appraisals

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This man has delusions of adequacy.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

9.A Confession

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

10.Retirement Question and Answer Session

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Six Saturdays, One Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.