Jokes

1. Two Muffins

So there are these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"


2. Lost in the Middle of Nowhere

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.
They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".
"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.
"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

“In case we get hot we can roll down the window."


3. The Head

There once was a boy called Matty who didnt have a body, he only had a head.

Then it came to his 18th birthday, so his dad who felt sorry for him took for a pint down the local pub, Matty was very excited about having his 1st drink of alcohol , so the proud father came in and placed Matty down on the bar and ordered 2 pints.

Then the father poured the beer into Mattys mouth, and once he'd finished a body had grown onto Mattys head, so he kept drinking and by the end of the night he was a normal man, with arms, legs, toes and fingers, but Matty kept on drinking.

The lesson you should learn from this is to always 'Quit while your a head'

4. No Toilet Paper

There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

Half way there he said, "man, I really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no toilet paper... You have wiped your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.

5. Ugliest Kid Ever

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.

Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

6. Posh Fart

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

7. Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, “You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, “I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"

8. A Rich Mans Dream

One day a multi billionaire was board, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels and leaches. The winner may have whatever his heat desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and leaches.

The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man and asks him what he wants.

The man replies "I want the Sun of a Bitch who pushed me in"

9. The Magic Pills

There is this lady and she is struggling having a baby so the doctor brings out these pills and he tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.

So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"

Then she takes another and her husband says "Man this doesn't hurt."

So she takes two more and has no problem having the baby and neither she nor her husband is in pain.
Two days later they come home with the baby and the milk man is dead on their doorstep

10. Three Horny Dogs

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shepherd and a Chihuahua)
A poodle walked by and she says "I’ll let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that won’t work"

The German shepherd says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that won’t work"

The Chihuahua says "Liver alone cheese mine"